I know, I know, long time no post, but honestly it’s difficult to put depression down on paper when it stops taking up the front row seat to your life most of the time, so I won’t apologize because it’s a good sign.
This morning I was getting dressed after a shower and I had a revelation. This isn’t weird for me, in fact many of my musings take place in or immediately after showers… maybe it’s the cleansing factor or something, maybe everyone’s like that because “shower thoughts” but today it wasn’t useless thoughts that come across as something only raving lunatics ponder.
Looking at my clothes, I realized I had not worn leggings in… countless days or even weeks. I had been leaning towards my jeans almost every day.
I can feel those readers who know me well going, “uhhh yeah, so?” because I am pretty much always in jeans unless I’m somewhere they’re not appropriate… and even then I’m sometimes wearing them.
The problem is that my identity took a huge hit with the move. My confidence was shattered; suddenly I’m out of place, I don’t belong here. I used to go to work and contribute to the household income, and I used to argue with Cam about who was going to do the dishes or take out the garbage… when you both get home so late in the day after 9 hours of work and a godforsaken commute, no one exactly falls into the caretaker role.
Naturally, when I was suddenly not working and Cam started being away 2 out of every 3 weeks, I was plopped into this domesticated stay at home wife position and not really sure what the point of it all was. Between my cross-continent move and the medications I was on, I didn’t stand a chance at healing my mind from the already lingering depression and anxiety that were (most of the time) deep below the surface. Both came roaring back up to the surface because there were no distractions to pull me away and welcome my attention.
I started wearing leggings.
All my attention was centered on making this new place a home, for my husband but mostly for me too. If I’m spending the majority of every day in this house, it better be my god damned sanctuary. But, my personal style took a hit and as my bff Sarah will tell you, leggings are the comfiest thing in this entire world. When you can’t get out of bed, leggings will suffice as pyjamas, but if you do have to go get groceries you can still enjoy the snuggly, cozy hug around each leg as you do so. Don’t get me wrong, I still wore jeans *sometimes* to go out with friends or to events where I knew leggings would be uncomfortable, but it just became so much easier to wear leggings even to those outings.
As my depression grew weaker and my body began to recover from the adverse reaction-causing birth control, somehow I started caring more about what I wore – even if it meant wearing nice(ish) things around the house. Every time I went clothes shopping I found myself more drawn to prettier tops, cute rompers and – you guessed it – jeans.
Today, that was my realization; that I haven’t resorted to leggings since before I returned to Calgary for the aforementioned Sarah’s wedding. I wore them on the plane ride up, because that was an appropriate time for leggings (I highly recommend them for plane rides – so cozy!) but I’m happy to say I now rotate through my 3 favorite pairs of jeans, and my multiple pairs of leggings have sat in a drawer, largely untouched, for over 2 months now. J